Hear Our Voices: Gretchen's Story

Journey from Darkness to Light

There seem to be two themes in my life. One is the darkness when I was shut away, excluded, ostracized; the other is the brightness when a "light bulb" went on.  The light bulbs were the times when I felt hope, when someone was kind to me and accepted me.  Together they make up my journey.

When I was a little girl, and I argued with my sister or talked back to my mother, I was shut away in "the closet."  It was an old, dirty storage room in our house, dusty with cobwebs, spiders and old discarded furniture that nobody wanted; furniture that was not of use anymore, unnecessary. I felt the same way.  The being shut away lasted for hours and I felt like a real outcast, constantly getting the message I was 'wrong.' My mother was never happy with my appearance but she liked me best really thin.  One day I came downstairs dressed up, with a hat on.  She said, "The only thing you really look good in is a hat."  Funny what I remember.  That line seemed to sum it up.

I must have seemed ungainly, I had trouble learning to come down the steps; I was so scared.  I went up and down on my hands and knees.  When I went to Castle Rock, a rural school my troubles worsened.  I was terrified of my teacher and had "accidents" regularly.  Sometimes I was sent to the "sick room" and had to stay all day.  I found myself screaming because I so hated and feared being locked away. In all those early years of school, I never had a friend and I was humiliated on a daily basis.  It was a lonely time. 

During the first grade, I had pneumonia and missed half of that school year.  The teacher wanted to hold me back but my mother fought ferociously and I believe the teacher gladly rushed me off to second grade.  It was an emotional time and I came out of that class knowing nothing.  

In 3rd and 4th grade the light came on a little bit.  The new teacher saw my troubles and took time to help me.  I learned to read and do math problems.  I discovered the joy of books.  5th and 6th grade were OK, and I made a friend.  Then everything changed.

Suddenly I was bussed away to a different school for 7th and 8th grade. I was so fearful I cried all the time and was still having accidents.  My mother knew something was wrong and made an appointment with a school counselor who told her all I needed was assistance in learning how to make a friend.  

In high school I found a speech teacher who started me feeling a little better about myself.  Although in my first speech, I got up and talked about my knees and how terrible they were.  The teacher said, "I think your knees are good."  Such a little thing, but it started me thinking about all the things I could do and that were right and the talks were positive after that.  During this fairly bright time, my dad was at home ill.  I went right home after school and was sent on errands, or took him to the doctor.  I picked up oxygen tanks.  My sister got to sit with him holding his hand and once again I was the outcast.

My dad died when I was sixteen.  Afterwards, I never could recall a time when he touched me or showed me affection. After my father's death I spent more time with my aunt and uncle and a light bulb came on.  For my 17th birthday, I went to my first restaurant with them and later traveled with them.  My Aunt Hazel and Uncle Everett really liked each other and they liked me.  I felt so close to them and we had good times. My first experience of what a real family felt like.  

College was hard the first two years and one poignant memory is a roommate telling friends what a loser I was.  But then, another light bulb-in the third year: I got new roommates and they were "farm girls" like me.  We understood each other.  I had always loved God and felt the Spirit in me and they shared my faith.  One of the girls was rich, and her dad had an airplane.  I learned a lot about planes and for the first time. I had fun!  

I finished my degree in Elementary Education.  In these years there were a lot of people helping me and I felt an inner spirit leading me in the right direction.  I was a student teacher and then was a substitute teacher for one year. After that I was hired on a regular basis and that began my teaching career.  I taught in an open school and people could see me teach.  I liked that.

I was engaged and married during these years. We were Edith and Archie Bunker.  He was the head of the home and I 'out-scurried' Edith in waiting on him, rushing to greet him when he came home.  There was no communication between us.  He had his newspaper and I had -longing.  We were married for 13 years.  I was Catholic and believed in standing by the marriage, but it was literally killing me.  About this time the school district and I were sued for discrimination which was devastating in a small town and heartbreaking because the child was one I particularly cared for and tried to help.  

I moved to Burnsville which was a huge adjustment for a farm girl, accustomed to a small town where everyone knew everybody else. Two years after my marriage ended. I attempted suicide for the first time.  I tried to asphyxiate myself.  The caretaker found me.  I was 37 years old and life seemed over.  I was mad at him for a long time.  Now I think of him as a friend, one of the many angels who assisted me.  I was hospitalized and the dark journey continued.  It was the beginning of cutting, burning, electric shock treatments, group homes.  I was told I had clinical depression.  After my second suicide attempt I was also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.  But - and here comes the good part.

The brightest light bulb I could imagine came on when I found St. Joan of Arc.  I fought hard for this life and now it was taking shape.  I found a Befriender . I walked a labyrinth and learned there is no wrong, that it's OK to walk in and out of the lines.  I joined the choir and it was so wonderful.  I love to sing.  After I was in the hospital, Anna Vagle called me to see how I was.  I was touched by her caring and from her I learned a new style of music.  It was fun.  It led me to taking dance classes.  Most of all I love my Ministry.  I am a Eucharistic Minister at St. Joan of Arc.  

When I was in the hospital I questioned my spirituality -- what happened to God, how was I connected?  I called St. Joan and talked to a marvelous person named Jim Mauer.  And here is the miracle.  After we had talked over the phone a few times, he suggested we should meet in person.  I said "should I come to St. Joan."  He said, 'I'll come to Burnsville and I'll take you to lunch."  This may seem like a strange epiphany, but it was mine: that someone, a busy person like that, would think I was worth that much time opened me up to the idea that I was worthwhile.  He really wanted to help me, big time.  I felt I had a friend in the church.  

I also talked with Father Jim Cassidy several times and he called me while I was in the hospital.  He reminded me that God loved me regardless of what I was doing. I went into therapy, I took the journaling class which drew me towards the light.  I have a Life Coach.  I continue to take my medication and I am involved in the life around me.  

When I got to the darkest point I saw a light and I got help.  I got to a hospital when I tried suicide.  It was a difficult road and I've been working very hard, working myself back into the real world.  Everything is still here.  Real things:  Money, family, people -- and I have felt like a space ship coming down to earth, getting into the atmosphere again.  Now there is the Mental Illness Ministry and I will be a part of it, given a chance to work with people helping people as others helped me.  

Gretchen:  2005