January 2008 MIM Meeting: Dr. Pauline Boss- Ambiguous Loss

Professor Pauline Boss has researched ambiguous loss for more than thirty years and has worked with individuals and groups throughout the United States. Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be. Monday she spoke with us at our Mental Illness Ministry gathering. As she spoke I thought of how fitting that she be called Professor in the fullest, finest sense of my concept of that title. I think of a Professor as someone filled with a love of learning, filled with stories to help others glean and grow from the riches of that wealth. Professor Boss shared her treasures of many years and helped us ponder what to do with the ambiguity in our lives, especially with ambiguous losses.

Several people thought Pauline Boss(right) gave them the best help they could have received to deal with their losses. Some mentioned that she said just what they needed to hear. It seemed that people, who had many kinds of terrible losses in their lives, children murdered, family members surviving tragic accidents, family members with physical and mental illnesses, learned the most from Pauline Boss. They left treasuring every word. Her compassion and knowledge spoke to their hearts and they felt lifted up. Some of them asked if Professor Boss does individual consultations. She does, but she has a very busy schedule filled with teaching and lecturing. www.ambiguousloss.com

Professor Boss spoke of two basic kinds of ambiguous loss. There is a physical absence and a psychological presence, where the person is physically missing, but there is no verification of death, such as MIA, kidnapping or natural disasters or a child given up for adoption. The other kind of loss has a physical presence and a psychological absence, such as with addictions, dementia, brain injury or depression.

Immigrants are dealing with a huge loss; loss of family, home, culture, language. Immigrants are not necessarily dealing with a pathological diagnosis of depression, but a “normal” depression. Homesickness is huge. Therapy can be very helpful. Sometimes people may not want to talk about it, but a therapist or the family can find a way to help. Pauline Boss shared that her grandmother emigrated from Switzerland and her recommended therapy was knitting and crocheting, which were two of her areas of expertise in her homeland.

Boss said that we experience an ambiguous loss when we can’t find a solution to a problem; there is no closure. Instead of searching for closure, the goal is to learn to live with ambiguity and embrace it. Some of her suggestions are:

• Gather the family. If you can’t gather your biological family, create family with friends. Gather with “family” and eat together.
• Label your experience (ambiguous loss); normalize it.
• Seek information.
• Talk together about your experiences. Reduce conflict by sharing perceptions and tolerating different views within the family.
• Reconstruct family rituals, roles, rules so people can move on in spite of ambiguity.
• Minimize blame and guilt; increase hope and optimism.
• Find meaning if possible.
• Continue meeting and talking together. Avoid family secrets and silence.

Our world of high technology today says that to every problem there is a solution. We are “mastery oriented” and want control; believe that if we can’t solve a problem, there is something wrong with us. But what do we do if we have a problem that we can’t fix or change. There are many problems to which there is no solution. Live without blame and shame. Don’t accept blame and shame from others. It is not true that every problem has a solution.

Learn to live with a paradox; keep opposing views in mind. Paradox is both/and existence, not either/or living. Our culture today is focused on absolute thinking instead of paradoxical thinking. Remember the serenity prayer; control what you can and accept what you can’t and have the wisdom to know the difference. Professor Boss said that MIM is a good example of what to do with ambiguous loss. Gather with people who care about you, share a meal, talk together, learn what it is that you are experiencing. Continue to eat and talk and learn together.

The responses to her talk were as broad as the concept of ambiguity. Some people wanted to sit at her feet for hours and just have her share her stories, to help them cope with all the levels of ambiguity in their lives. There were a few people who still wanted more definite answers on what to do with their grief. But like any good professor, and especially one in the field of ambiguity, Pauline Boss placed suggestions, guide-lines in our hands and sent us on our way. Now it’s our job to take those riches and ponder our needs and how we can use the findings of her research to best live with our ambiguities. And friends, that’s the hard part. Listening to Professor Boss was easy. Living with ambiguity is not.

Mary Paradis is a long time member of St. Joan of Arc with her husband, Claude. Mary is currently the co-chair of the Mental Illness Ministry. Mary can be reached at claudemaryparadis@comcast.net.

The MIM book group has decided that we want to learn more by reading Ambiguous Loss by Dr. Pauline Boss, for our next book discussion. We recommend that you also read it.