“It Ain’t What You Say – It’s the Way How Ya’ Say It.”

Our guest speaker for the MIM meeting on August 13, 2007 was Laurie Grengs, M.A. Laurie is a Licensed Psychologist and a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker.

Laurie Grengs, Psychologist, talked to the MIM group and gave guidelines for a creative and empowering relationship with a therapist, stressing creativity and empowerment. “Creative and empowering” sounded like components to be ardently desired, so I took copious notes. After reflecting on them, the thought emerged that they could be life changing and could transform any relationship.

This is not a true or false list. It’s a list of heartfelt and tested suggestions and ideas to clear up some of the clutter in our personal and professional lives. For anyone who has ever felt “less than” (and haven’t we all at some time – I surely have) it’s a clarion call to stand tall and strong in ourselves and believe we have the right to ask for the best for ourselves. Here is the list, as I heard it:

Collaborative Components:

Live a collaborative relationship.
Know the privilege of being asked into another’s life.
Work for empowerment of each individual.
Think how the relationship feels and looks to self and others
Have interactions based on love.
Clarify goals and have a sense of completion
Help each person to feel empowered about life.
Five Critical Characteristics.
  1. Willingness
  2. Accountability
  3. Dependability
  4. Resourcefulness
  5. Relentless (To me, this must mean in pursuit of truth)
You have a right to:
  1. Right to calm listening
  2. Right to privacy
  3. Right to your boundaries
  4. Right to be respected
  5. Right to believe you are on a journey together
  6. Right to ask all of your questions
  7. Right to have the other person present to you
  8. Right to have relationship fluid and collaborative
  9. Right to know that you have choices
  10. Right to say what you need and want
  11. Right to say your fears
  12. Right to assert that each person is “complete” and “good enough”
When it comes to goals:
It’s good to have help in assessing my goals
It’s good to know where you want to go
It’s good to have someone say “How can I help you get there?”
Overall:
If you want to help someone, the best thing you can do is heal yourself
Be able to suggest, listen and care unconditionally
Know you have the right not to feel judged
It’s important to be able to say I made a mistake, I feel horrible, let’s talk about it, I would like to hear more.
Listen to what the other says and doesn’t say
If others are attracted to our light, it helps them heal
We choose to be in fear because of feelings of deep pain and shame
Shame is the glue that holds our wounds together
It is never useful to act from rage
Ronnie Angelus says: "There are three things that make my life work: Talking to my daughter who opens vistas to me and makes me laugh; being in the circle of the Divas, my writing group, who shout "go girl" and give me standing ovations with their smiles and tears; sitting next to Mary and Claude Paradis during Sunday Mass at St. Joan of Arc, which is as close to pure goodness as I will know in this lifetime."
Well, that’s a lot to contemplate in just one sitting but every word rang true to me. For anybody who has ever been in a therapeutic situation, I think the words are a benediction. It says you have the right to expect the highest values and that you have the right to listen to your instincts and you have the right to leave the situation. Maybe that is true whether it is a therapist or a relationship.

Nobody is perfect, but when I look back over 35 and 45 year friendships, I breathe a sigh of gratitude, because just about all those qualities were there. We slip and stumble sometimes, at least I surely do – but that’s when a friend reaches out a hand to help me stand strong again.

You have choices in your life and in your therapy

It was a great evening. I wish you had been there.