"Seeing Beyond Fear"
Coleen Rowley
Sunday, March 7th 2004

I am so honored to be invited to speak to this crowd, especially on the really important topic in today’s world of “Seeing Beyond Fear.” Ironically, however, this is a little scary for me for several reasons, the first being how not far along “in our journey” my husband and I are. We’ve only been coming to St. Joan’s for about a year and we sit way back over there, keeping a low profile, pretty close to the door. And despite the fact that, during the last year, I’ve talked to a number of varied audiences nationwide on two topics: Integrity and Civil Liberties, I’ve steered away from providing any personal detail and from bringing God into the discussion. The reason I haven’t brought up the spiritual dimension much is due to the Constitution’s well-founded separation of Church and State. It’s just not an appropriate topic for a federal employee speaking in his/her official capacity. So maybe this is a good time to clearly state that I’m here today in my completely personal capacity and that nothing I am about to say should be construed as the official views of the FBI.

Occasionally, however, following a speech, I get the question as to what have been the worst and best things that have happened to me in the last couple years. I have always but definitively answered that the best thing that has happened, is having “got God.” Once or twice I’ve even been asked to explain that response further but I’ve always been successful at that point in changing the topic or otherwise cutting the discussion off. I’ve decided to give it a go today, however, because I think “getting God” IS the only good answer to “seeing beyond fear.” That’s exactly what Jesus attempted to do with his most trusted disciples when he took them to the mountain top in the Gospel of the Transfiguration, to show them and give them God so they would be better able to deal with the fear that He knew they would all be subject to down the road.

Just like that old spiritual, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows but,”… I guess, my husband! My initial 13-page paper about the pre 9-11 lapses, which, by the way got fairly distorted in all of the media coverage, was just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. I won’t have time today to describe all of the troubles, twists and turns that have transpired since then. But suffice it to say that it was in the tense lead-up to the Iraq War, a couple months after I was put on the Time cover as one of their Persons of the Year, that I did the more difficult, gut wrenching and reputation-damaging thing. Exactly one year ago today, I made public a number of my concerns about launching a pre-emptive war on Iraq, including that it was illegal under international law, would be counterproductive to our efforts in the “war on terrorism” and could also result in adverse blowback for domestic policing. To say this was, during that fairly euphoric eve of war, an unpopular stance with co-workers and even with close friends, is an understatement. I came out of it kicked out of the FBI Agents Association and mistrusted (at least for a time) by co-workers and superiors such that my effectiveness as the Division Legal Counsel was diminished. As a consequence, I decided it would be better for the office for me to step down (one GS-level) from the legal job I had held at that point for almost 13 years.

I had initially thought this might be the perfect opportunity to finally share the inside-edition of this “rest of the story” as Paul Harvey would call it. But the rest of the story, intertwined with the serious issues and problems involved in what our government now terms the “global war on terrorism” and my personal thoughts and actions in response to what has gone on, is still unraveling. So I’ve decided I must put the personal stuff off for another day when, hopefully, cooler heads will have prevailed and we will all be at greater liberty to discuss and examine the issues, problems and mistakes that have occurred and are occurring.

My actions, of course, were not even close to being on a par with others in history and currently around the world, who have risked much more, including their liberty and sometimes even their lives, in order to follow their conscience or do God’s bidding. Why did/do they do it? And how were they able to “see beyond their fear?” I think both questions are answered the same way: true faith in and focus on God.

When I give my “Integrity/Ethical Decision-making” lecture (which I’ll shamelessly plug that I’m scheduled to do again next week just a couple miles from here, for the Lutherans at the Lake of Nokomis Church), a common question arises, something to the effect of, “well that ethics stuff is all well and good, but, really, how can you do something that you know is going to impact you negatively?” Now of course we are never talking, at that point, about people risking their lives for God, we are only talking about people not cheating in their professions and workplaces, or when doing the right thing might result in negative economic consequences for them personally. For example when I give my “Always Do Right” speech on Integrity, which includes the factors necessary to satisfy the “whistleblower” test, I’m careful to not paint a rosy picture of the consequences of doing the right thing in these rare circumstances. Because realistically, and there are many people who know this from personal experience, not only do no financial rewards exist, but very few legal remedies do either. In most cases, bringing a mistake or serious concern to light, that is, the warning business (also called speaking truth to power) is a no-win proposition. It’s terrible to stand idly by and watch the worst happen when you might have tried to warn of the problem ahead of time, but even when a warning is attempted, it usually goes unheeded and you still have to suffer through the horrible aftermath anyway. This appears to be what happened to “the weeping prophet,” Jeremiah, in our reading today. He warned the people in Jerusalem that unless they repented of their sins, their city would be destroyed and it later was. Being right in such a situation, of course, carries no satisfaction.

Even, in those rare instances where a warning results in some curative action, no one can then prove that the action prevented a tragedy and more likely than not, the person responsible for the warning and the extra trouble/expense of the curative action ends up punished or fired. There’s simply no answer and no perfect, fail-safe way around these propositions, no matter how many lawyers you might have the time and money to consult. “Cost-benefit analysis” doesn’t work at all. You’re left with simply determining the right thing morally to do. It’s easy, under these circumstances, to rationalize shrinking from conscience/duty, but having talked on the topic so much as to get myself stuck “doing right” in the future (or risk severe hypocrisy), I have come to the conclusion that the worst course is to slink away, back down, and/or look the other way when duty beckons (or God calls). By backing away, one risks losing one’s soul.

By the way the debate my (somewhat fearful) husband and I were so intensely engaging in a little over a year ago was exactly in line with the point that Father George brought up last week about “losing one’s soul.” I finally convinced him that, no matter how hopeless the cause, I was afraid of that (losing our souls) if I didn’t try.

You know, the objective just can’t be solely on whatever happiness we can squeeze out of our short lives on Earth.” Because if that’s the case, like amoebas constantly oozing around but shrinking back from foreign objects that we think could hurt us, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to overcome the fear of going forward and doing the right thing.

But there’s fear and there’s FEAR! The type of fear I’ve been referring to up till now, that of suffering ostracism and/or some economic setback on the path to the “good life” (whatever that is), even though a pervasive and common obstacle to doing right in today’s society, is not the most powerful type of fear. In 1757, English Statesman Edmund Burke made his astute observation that “Nothing so effectively robs the mind of its ability to act or to reason as FEAR.” This unfortunately is the type of FEAR that, during the Cold War, kept officials in the 1950’s drilling poor school children to hide under their desks in the event of nuclear war; it is what drove otherwise intelligent people to empty store shelves of duct tape during the first “orange alert”; and, unfortunately, it is the type of FEAR that terrorists count on,- it is their tool of choice because they know, even with their small numbers, it can be relied upon to effectively intimidate, and maybe even paralyze a much larger, but susceptible population. It’s also this worst type of FEAR and the related fear of appearing weak which is the propagandists’ tool used to cloud the better judgment of the populace and their leaders to authorize things like “pre-emptive strikes.”

Even worse than paralyzing us like deer in the headlights, FEAR can lead to the worst, completely irrational responses that actually make little or no sense but just give us an illusion, (but of course a false one), of having some control over the situation. This serious type of FEAR almost always engenders deep hatred which when combined, often lead to further irrational responses, to the point where a great leader like FDR felt it necessary to steady the country with the reminder that “we have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

So how do we “see beyond” or avoid succumbing to this worst type of FEAR? Well it’s true we can and do practice. Millions and maybe billions have been spent in cities all over this country training investigative, police/fire/safety and health officials to deal with the emergencies that would be created by terrorist attack and use of weapons of mass destruction. While the cynical view is that no amount of smearing red dye on drill participants could ever approximate the real thing and that the world of potential issues and errors is so vast, when/if the real thing does occur, as to make such prior practice of little value, it cannot be denied that it probably helps to have at least thought about and faced a version of the problem beforehand. In real life and death emergencies, trained safety officers often do go on automatic pilot so there must exist some benefit to having trained for such things, even if the drill can only be a rough approximation. A little “automatic pilot” doesn’t hurt, but ultimately “seeing beyond” the fear and horror of the real thing requires more than such practice. It requires what only God can give in terms of help, focus and strength.

Going back to the Cold War, remember when our TV screens suddenly went into a line across the middle and we heard that monotone warning, “This is a test. It is only a test…”? I recently heard a spoof of this old warning: “This life is a test. It is only a test. If this had been a real life, you would have been given instructions on where to go and what to do.” This really got me thinking about the analogy between our earthly life being a test of sorts. It’s not true, of course, that we have been placed here without any instructions, because just for starters, we do have the Ten Commandments, the Lord’s Prayer, the rest of the scriptures and even great practical, and perhaps divinely inspired guidance as that found at Mother Teresa’s bedside. But it is true that our life here on earth is certainly not the entire, real thing, but is rather more like a test. The test of our earthly life has just one question, “What would Jesus do?” but it’s one that keeps popping up in endlessly different factual contexts. It’s so difficult a test that only the most devoted of saints will be able to ace it. (And actually no saint will do better than an A-minus!) Even if we try our best to follow the directions given, most of us pitiful, sinful human beings can just hope for a passing grade. But God really encourages us to try. And when we do try and pray for the necessary wisdom and strength, God, like the best, most caring teacher you ever had, helps you along. That way it’s possible to get an “A for effort,” if nothing else. And, luckily, effort counts for more than half the grade! Actually it’s a self-test only and amazingly calibrated and tailored to each test taker’s capabilities and strengths, a learning exercise that simultaneously teaches a person as he/she progresses through it and that allows one to learn from one’s mistakes because God always gives second chances to make up for previous errors. In fact there is no cumulative score,- you’re allowed to start over at any point!

But just when you think you’re beginning to make some progress and getting a little smarter and more skillful, God, again like the best teacher you’ve ever had, raises His/Her expectations and seems to expect more and more of you. The worst part about the test is that it’s, of course, a timed one and even worse than being simply timed, if you can imagine this, no one can tell you exactly how much time you get. It could just be a few minutes or it could be over a hundred years. Because we don’t know how much time is at our disposal, we can’t waste any. And there’s no time to give up to that type of fear or panic which is often a reason for poor test performance. As so many of you here seem to understand so well, we also can’t just devote an hour or two a week on Sunday mornings to this endeavor but must keep focused on the task, acting on God’s directions, every day of every week. (As a favorite French philosopher, Albert Camus, said, “Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day.”)

Well I may have gotten a little carried away with the analogy of one’s life being a test. Since most people have so many bad memories of all the tests they had to take growing up, I doubt I could sell the idea to St. Joan’s, or anybody for that matter, of welcoming people wherever you’re at on the test instead of on the journey. But I think there is value in the idea, especially when it comes to “seeing beyond fear” to viewing our lives as the means rather than the ends.

I forgot to mention that my husband and I, feeling a terrible need for God’s support, and at that point, not even realizing that we had begun any kind of a journey, began “church hopping” in the two or three weeks leading up to the start of the Iraq war. We attended three different churches of three different denominations before we got a hot tip and fortunately landed here. Without disparaging these other places, I will note that in only one of the three was there any evidence of prayerful anguish as to what was about to happen in Iraq. In one of the churches, the emphasis was solely a patriotic one, about our successful launching and winning of the upcoming war. In the second, which we attended the Sunday right before the outbreak, no mention at all of the impending war occurred throughout the entire service, as if the pastor was afraid to even bring the topic up for FEAR of ruffling some feathers in the congregation. Suffice it to say, that the 4th place we came to, St. Joan’s, easily passed the test of what we think it means to be truly Christian. It was for us, I think, God’s not-so-mysterious way of helping my husband and I get through that trying period and getting us both back on track in our journey. Hopefully you longer-term members of St. Joan’s will never take for granted what a blessing, actually what a miracle, this place is!

You know, there’s a song written by the Frantzich Brothers, who have been guest musicians here, about “seeing the face of God.” The song starts out with seeing the face of God for the first time at a pivotal point in one’s life, but then it just becomes easier and easier, and more and more often, until one is seeing God’s wonder and power every day. That recalls what a real smart guy, Albert Einstein, said, something to the effect that “One can choose to live one’s life as if nothing is a miracle OR one can choose to live as if everything’s a miracle.” All I know is that seeing, getting and focusing on God is the most effective method of seeing beyond fear, of progressing through life’s hardest tests and, of course, of continuing fearlessly on “the journey.”