What would you like to know about St. Joan of Arc? Do you have a story about our parish or of general interest that you think others would like to hear? For story ideas, contact Jeff Rholl, jeff@stjoan.com.
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Addictions can be deadly. Our addiction doesn’t want us to survive. There are more suicides caused by addictions than any other illness. Most addictions are caused by a chemical imbalance and can only be treated by medication and by working a program set up specifically for that addiction. There are a variety of addictions such as alcohol, drugs, overeaters, gamblers, smokers, over-spenders, sexual addictions, and others. My personal experience is with a compulsive gambling addiction. In this article I will share my experience as a compulsive gambler and a person in recovery. I hope my experience will help you, and/or a loved one, seek help for an addiction before the addiction takes complete control of your life.
I grew up in a family that loved to play cards. As a child, I remember getting together with our extended family for holidays and as soon as we were finished with our meal we sat down and played cards. It was exciting and fun. We usually didn’t play for money but just the excitement of competing with the adults and showing them what a good (intelligent) card player I was gave me a sense of importance and acceptance.
When I was eighteen I married a man ten years older than me and whom I had only known for about 10 months. We had two babies and when I was 20, and pregnant with our second child, he left me for a friend of mine (some friend huh?).
After my divorce, another friend and I decided to go on a vacation to California to visit her cousins. We made it as far as Las Vegas, we spent our entire vacation there. When we got back home, we gave our two-week notice at work and moved to Las Vegas. We loved it! The excitement and being on my own for the first time in my life was wonderful. My friend and I worked in office jobs and once a week I got a babysitter and we went downtown to learn how to play blackjack. I spent about $10 on a babysitter and $10-$20 on blackjack (at that time they had $.50 tables and would take the time to teach us how to play).
I met a wonderful man through one of our neighbors in our apartment complex. After dating for eight months I was married again. We moved to California where he was employed. My husband’s family loved to play cards. Our get-togethers were much like at home with my family. We played cards every time we got together which was about once or twice a month. My new husband and I had two more wonderful children. In 1977 my husband lost his job. He had always promised me that if something happened to his job we would move back to Minnesota. I missed my family. We were very close and I wanted to be near them while I was raising my children. Living in California my kids missed out on the love and affection of my parents, brothers, sister, and friends. I was thrilled to be moving home.
I began working for the State of Minnesota in Mankato on October 16, 1977. A few months later my husband found a job managing an American Legion Club. We were so happy and thought our prayers had been answered. Unfortunately, by 1980 he started following in his father’s and brother’s footsteps, he was drinking excessively and staying out all night with friends and other women. My husband wouldn’t admit he had an addiction to alcohol so he wouldn’t go to counseling with me. In April 1984 I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked him to leave so the kids and I could live a ‘normal’ life without the day-to-day chaos and stress. He left and moved back to California. A year later we were divorced. The kids and I struggled financially and sometimes emotionally but we did the best we could with what we had - and we survived! Raising four children in the 1980’s was hard enough with two ‘healthy’ parents and was even a bigger struggle with one ‘unhealthy’ parent - but to make a long story short - I did it!! I now have four wonderful adult children and six wonderful grandchildren.
By 1997, my children had graduated from high school, some were attending college and some working, but they were all out on their own. My number three husband and I decided to sell our home (after 20 wonderful years of living there with my kids) and move to the Twin Cities where he was currently working. I was working on my second Master’s degree in St. Paul so I transferred to a full time State of Minnesota librarian job. After our move my gambling accelerated uncontrollably!
I grew up in a strict Catholic family. I went to Catholic grade school and also sent my children to Catholic schools from kindergarten through high school. We prayed and went to church together every week. I believe in God and know God will continue to help me through anything. So what happened? Why is God doing this to me? Why am I a compulsive gambler? Haven’t I already suffered enough in life? The more I thought about it the angrier I became at God. Eventually I wasn’t going to church at all and the only time I prayed was when I was in the casino and prayed for a ‘big win’. Why was God allowing this to happen to me? I couldn’t understand it!
By 2001 I was going to the casinos at least twice a week and spending much more than we could afford. I would beg, borrow, and yes, even steal to support my gambling addiction. I quit for a few months, when I went through outpatient treatment (three different times), but could not seem to get this addiction out of my life! My husband, Ed, and I were making OK money but we were always broke, couldn’t pay our bills, and were almost evicted from our apartment more than once. These were supposed to be our golden years. We struggled through raising our kids and fulfilled a lifelong dream of selling our home and moving to the cities. We wanted to do fun things like go to plays and take trips, but we couldn’t even afford to pay our monthly bills. Ed was getting very fed up with me and threatened to leave me if I didn’t quit gambling. My two daughters tearfully begged me to quit gambling. I couldn’t believe this was really happening to me! After all the years of raising kids and not having a penny to spare, how could I go to the casino and waste $500 in one night! I was addicted and did not want to quit gambling.
In March 2001 we were evicted from our apartment. We were several months behind in our bills plus mentally and emotionally exhausted. We had bill collectors calling us at least once a day and some were very rude and threatening. We would become homeless due to my compulsive gambling. In April 2001 we moved into a twenty-three foot camper that my parents had signed for. My brother and sister-in-law, God love them, let us store our furniture and personal belongings in their basement. I don’t think they realized our ‘stuff’ would take up most of their basement and would be there for three years.
We parked our camper on a cement slab at my parent’s farm in Southern Minnesota. I transferred to another state job closer to where we were now living. It was difficult living in such a small place, right under my parents thumb, but it was the first time in three years we felt somewhat relieved from our money problems and the bill collector’s nasty phone calls. I started attending Gamblers Anonymous (GA) meetings on a regular basis, knowing I had to quit gambling but my addiction was still very strong and I continued to gamble. Unbelievable! After all this I still wanted to gamble!!
The winter of 2001 my parents were kind enough to let Ed and I live in their home while they were in Arizona. I was still heavy into my addiction. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t control my gambling. I was obsessed! I was either gambling or desperately trying to find money to go gambling. While living at my parent’s house I stole two of my mother’s check blanks. I made the checks out to me for $300 each and cashed them at my bank - so I could go gamble. I lost the money. I wrote to my parents and told them about it but told them I would pay them back. Needless to say, they were very disgusted with me. They called my brother and asked him to retrieve all their blank checks from their house until they returned in the Spring.
By the year 2002 I was going to the casino three to four times a week. If I wasn’t at the casino I was obsessed with thoughts about where or how I could get money to go.
The summer of 2002, Ed and I were living in our camper again, and my parents drove to Ohio to visit friends for a week. The weekend they were gone I was feeling really desperate, I wanted to gamble in the worst way but didn’t have the money. I had already borrowed about $5000 from my sister, she was very upset with me and wasn’t speaking to me let alone loaning me money. I owed my youngest brother $3000 and no way would he loan me any more. My friend had taken out a loan for me for $2500 and I was behind on payments so I couldn’t call her. Our checking account had been closed because of all the bad checks I had out, and all our credit cards were maxed and closed. This was Ed’s weekend to work and I wanted to go to the casino in the worst way! 
I started searching through mom & dad’s drawers, closets, files, desk, everywhere I could think of. My parents also had a gambling addiction so they would leave checks and credit cards at home so they wouldn’t be tempted to use them while at the casino. I didn’t know what I would find or if I would find anything, but I was desperate and continued to search.
After about an hour of looking, my adrenaline was raising, nothing would stop me from gambling today! Finally I hit the jackpot. In my dad’s drawer I found a pouch with $700 cash in it. I thought dad probably won this gambling and was hiding it from mom. I didn’t think for a second, I took $350 and drove to the casino to double it! Needless to say, after an hour I lost it all. I was so upset. What would I do now, how could I pay this back before they got home. All the way home I cussed myself for being so stupid! For being a thief! How could I steal money from my own parents, especially when they were giving us a space (free) to park our camper! I wanted to die!
I had a tough time sleeping that night. My stomach was in knots and I had heartburn. I couldn’t believe I would be so stupid as to steal money from my own parents!! The next morning, after about three hours of sleep, I felt a little better and I realized the only way to replace the money was to take the remaining $350 to the casino and win enough to replace the full $700. I knew in my heart that God wouldn’t let me down because I was so terrified and ashamed for what I had done. By the end of that day I had lost the full $700. Now I was really ashamed, scared, angry, and suicidal. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to live and face my parents and family with the fact that I had stooped so low. I cried and cussed and tried to think of a way to kill myself! My parents would be home in two days and there was no way I could replace the money. Finally I pulled myself together and sat down to write them a letter explaining what I had done and begging them to forgive me. I told them I will replace the money and will never do anything like this again. I was sincerely ashamed and sorry. Two days later, I took the day off work and went to my parents, the first thing my dad said, in a hateful voice, was “you have guts coming here after what you did”. My mom just looked at me and cried and kept asking me how I could do that to them. The next six months were hell. My dad wouldn’t speak to me at all and my mom talked to my kids and siblings about what I had done and she cried a lot. During those six months I was emotionally and physically a wreck - and I continued to gamble.
My youngest son, Michael, moved home from Norfolk VA for a few months. He moved in with my daughter and her husband and worked nights as a bartender. After a couple months he decided to move back to Norfolk and was saving money for his move. One day at work I was having another ‘bad’ day and my addiction was taking over. But, as usual, I had no money. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn’t think about it, but before I knew what was happening I was at my daughter’s house. My daughter and her husband were at work and Michael was sleeping. When I walked into the kitchen I saw their checkbook laying on the counter, I thought about taking a blank check but instead I tiptoed into Michael’s room and stole $100 in cash and two check blanks from his check book. I made the checks out to me for $200 each and drove to the casino. My adrenaline was really bubbling; I was so excited I couldn’t stand it. I can’t begin to describe the rush I felt every time I drove to the casino. If people hooked on drugs and/or alcohol experience this high I can see why they become addicted. After about three hours I lost the money I stole from my son. Again, I wanted to die!! I felt like I was going crazy! Why was I stealing money from the people I love? Why can’t I quit this horrible cycle? Michael was devastated to think I would steal his hard earned money. He was very hurt and disappointed in me.
I could go on and on about the insidious things I did to my family and friends to support my compulsive gambling addiction, but I think you get the picture! On September 23, 2002 Ed and I were driving to my daughter’s house. I gambled the night before and Ed was yelling at me and told me he couldn’t take it anymore. I listened to him; God knows he deserved to be angry at me. Then I started feeling guilty, ashamed, scared, and angry (at myself) so I yelled back at him. I told Ed it was his fault I was gambling, if he wasn’t overbearing (which he wasn’t) and overweight I wouldn’t be gambling. Ed truly had had enough and didn’t know what to do next. He sobbed. He cried uncontrollably. It finally hit me! You stupid, selfish person, what are you doing? I love Ed; he’s been so very supportive of me. He has stood by me when no one would give me the time of day! He has joined Gamanon groups when I was attending GA. He’s prayed for me. He even lost his job because of my addiction. What the heck am I doing?!!!! I NEED HELP!
On September 25, 2002 I entered Vanguard Treatment Center in Granite Falls Minnesota for my compulsive gambling addiction. Thirty days of intense therapy and fellowship. Vanguard and the people there saved my life! The counselors and staff at Vanguard gave me the tools to begin a new life away from gambling and living the twelve-step program - one day at a time. When I left Vanguard I was determined to live by the daily recommendations given to me by the counselors. The first three months of not gambling were the most difficult. It is really amazing what triggers remind me of my addiction and start me thinking about going to the casino, but I’ve learned that as long as I follow the program Vanguard set up for me, the urges to gamble will go away.
I attend two GA (Gambler Anonymous) meetings a week and continue to follow my program set up by the counselors at Vanguard, for this reason I am still alive. The fellowship at the GA meetings and other functions are amazing. I have never experienced such a close bond and true friendships as I have since I joined GA. The similarities in other compulsive gamblers are amazing. I didn’t realize how much help support groups are until I started sharing at my GA meetings. My daughter-in-law asked me if having to go to GA meetings was like having to go to church, after I thought a minute I said, maybe for the first three months or so, but now it’s more like going to a party. I get to visit with people I love being with, and I feel so refreshed when I leave there. I very seldom miss a GA meeting. I still owe a lot of money, but I am able to share those stresses with other people who are more experienced and have lived through it. My family is speaking to me again and is very supportive. Ed and I still have ‘issues’ to work out, but with both of us in a 12-step recovery program we can handle our ‘issues’ in a much more constructive manner.
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God Bless you.
Your friend in recovery,
Mary Jo Kennedy