What would you like to know about St. Joan of Arc? Do you have a story about our parish or of general interest that you think others would like to hear? For story ideas, contact Jeff Rholl, jeff@stjoan.com.

"Stories of Grace"
"Let us build this place out of truth and Grace"

Prologue: This is the fourth in a series of stories about the people of Grace House. They are the residents and staff, the volunteers and occasional drop-ins -- the people who fill the house with grace. These are first and foremost, though, the stories of the residents: Stories of the men and women who live daily with HIV/AIDS and are triumphant; stories of their lives and how they came to Grace House; stories of the difference the houses and the staff have meant in terms of health, dignity and joy. The original Grace House was opened in 1990, the brainchild of an AIDS taskforce through Saint Joan of Arc Church. The church agreed to lease the building to Grace House for a nominal sum. Church parishioners provided lots of the physical labor to turn the home into a facility to serve the particular needs of people with AIDS. These volunteers renovated the space, painted rooms and made the home accessible, including installing an elevator. In these early years, all of the caregiving was provided by volunteers from the church. By the next year, the need for professional, hired staff was apparent and the first paid caregivers were hired. Volunteers continued to be a big part of providing care to the residents. By 1994, the AIDS epidemic was rampant. The directors of Grace House decided to explore the idea of opening a second home next door to the original Grace House. Grace House II was opened in May of 1998. It was designed by the architecture firm of David Goehring/Joel May. It is a graceful combination of light woods and open spaces, large windows and a profusion of plants. What I have always found in the houses is laughter. The residents, as physically comfortable as their disease allows them to be, live in their own apartments with dear and familiar things around them. They meet in community for meals with other residents, with volunteers and caregivers. There is a sense of family, of people who care very much for the well being of each other. It is these people of Grace House, open and willing to talk to me, I want to learn more about and then tell their stories to you. Nelson Mandela says these stories must not be lost. Sometimes they are little stories of little lives. Sometimes they seem painted by a bold brush with vivid colors and raw design. They are stories, like all of ours, a mixture of foolish and heroic; stories too of painful loss and astonishing gain, because these are the stories of survivors. These are not just the stories of the residents, although theirs are the first to be told, but of all of the people who care for them; all of the people who take a step away from their everyday lives, to take the risk of caring and staying steady in the face of pain and loss. People who receive in abundance the gifts of sharing and the magic of laughter and life. This then is the fourth of the stories of grace from Grace House. Meet Cliff

Clifford is a man of hopes and dreams and a "come and get me" attitude toward life. He's taken everything the universe has sent him, the good and the bad, and turned it into triumph. He's a champion 'lemonade maker'. And he's a travellin' man. He's lived in nineteen cities and four states, some of them two or three times. He's done a wide variety of jobs, whatever he could find sometimes, and some of them, he says, "weren't very good". He's been married, has three daughters and eight grandchildren. He's a graphic artist and a writer. He's attended St. Paul Technical College and studied Graphic Arts at St. Cloud Technical College. And he has done all of this without hearing his first sound until he was four years old.

Currently Clifford is the Secretary of the Minnesota Rainbow Alliance of the Deaf. He is active in Community Prevention Planning and the Task Force on HIV/AIDS Prevention. He is on a committee working on the HIV/STD Conference being held April 30th to May 2nd of this year. He loves creating and decorates the alcove in Grace House II for every occasion. He relishes every holiday and this year, as well as last year, played the role of the Easter Bunny for the residents and staff. He has a collection of Teddy Bears which grace his rooms and he crochets clothes for them. He is completing one now and will be writing a story to go with each bear.

But it hasn't been easy for Clifford to reach this place in his life. He was born deaf, the eldest of a family of three brothers and a sister. His parents were divorced. His father remarried and another brother and sister were born, a sister he did not see until the 1999 funeral of his grandfather. His early life was difficult. He experienced physical violence and enormous struggle, but there is in Clifford a strong sense of goodness and joy that allows him to transcend all of the obstacles he meets.

Clifford attended the Minnesota State Academy School for the Deaf in Faribault for twelve years, returning to his home every summer. Clifford says he had "two homes and the happiest one was Faribault". Though he was fitted with hearing devices, he and his mother had great difficulty communicating, straining their relationship. And Clifford, as a growing boy and teen-ager, was rebellious and would turn his aids off when he didn't want to talk. Clifford and his mother agree that it would have facilitated their conversation and eased the stress if his mother had learned sign language but the teachers at Faribault had advised against it. They felt Clifford was progressing well enough in his speech and in his ability to hear that signing was not necessary.

When Clifford describes the hearing devices he first wore his face squinches up. He talks of devices that were ungainly and uncomfortable for him to wear. He was a young boy trying to react maturely to difficult and demanding circumstances, including cumbersome hearing aids. Finally he was fitted with a smaller device that fitted neatly behind his ear. At this point in his life, Clifford says he wore his hair long and it "pretty well disguised them".

In l996 that Clifford was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. He went to a dentist for his "first filling" and he was asked if he would take a test for AIDS. In two weeks the results came back. Positive. Clifford says he was "surprised, angry and didn't know what to do". Cliff was very much alone during this time. His mother was shocked and hung up when she heard the news, suggesting he write to an aunt in California. During this traumatic time, his grandmother was very ill and Clifford went to be with her, the only one of the grandchildren there. He had been warned not to tell his grandmother about his illness but while he was sitting with her talking, she asked him the direct question, "Are you sick. Do you have AIDS?'' Cliff says he had to tell her the truth when she asked. When he said "Yes", she took his hand

Cliff with Grace House caregiver, Nancy

and said "I thought so". Her full acceptance of him stands as a shining moment of grace in his life.

The disease weakened Clifford and he went to an Independent Living Center in Topeka. He says the other residents avoided him. To overcome their hostility and fear, he gave a class to teach them about HIV/AIDS. Life was becoming increasingly difficult. It was harder to find a job and his health was "up and down". A friend arranged for him to go to St. Cloud Salvation Army and his Case Manager there "found me this place, Grace House". His precarious health situation been made more difficult by an onset of severe vertigo this past year, but Cliff continues to triumph and revel in the joy he finds sharing with the residents and staff of Grace House.

In fact, he's busy arranging a wedding. Clifford and his partner of eleven years are being married in the garden gazebo between Grace House I and II. His Uncle will be there to walk with him. He says "the location makes me happy because if any of the residents are not feeling well enough to come outside, they can still see it all from the upper windows of the houses." That's Clifford. That's how he thinks. His kindness is as much a part of him as his genuine love of life and his giving nature.

Preparations are going forward, volunteers and staff are providing food and there will be a wedding cake made just for them. The roses and the other flowers will be blooming in the lush and lovely gardens of Grace House by the June wedding day. He says the last hurdle is to find a disc jockey so there will be music.

Clifford is one of the Writers of Grace House. One day we talked about writing a story about the picture of hands, all colors and shapes, that hangs on the wall of the dining room in Grace House I. His story will tell you more about the gentleness of spirit that exemplifies this man than any words I can write.

Here it is. Cliff's story of the Colored Hands.

The Colorful Handprint Picture There's blue, red, green, yellow, purple, and orange. A rainbow of hand prints. Each hand was a resident who lived in Grace House. Let's say a name for each hand print: The red one is for Ryan. The orange is for Oscar. The yellow is for Yvonne. The blue is for Becky. The green is for Gary. The purple is for Pearl.

The red one: Ryan moved in Grace house and is living with HIV positive. But he is an active person and is a friendly one. Other than that, he's really sick and is losing all his strength. He asked all of his family and friends to gather around. He says, "Here's a picture that we're going to make... only six colors to get it all connected. For me -- I'll start with a red one. I'm not a 'leader' but a 'starter' for this picture to begin with." He painted his hand red and pressed it on that picture -- says "This is Ryan for your memories of me. As I lived here with my sickness, I'm here to ask you to continue to move on if I'm not here anymore. I shall not be forgotten when I'm gone. But there is something else that I would like you to do for me. Please continue filling up this picture with the hand prints. Till we have all six colors, then hang them up on the wall for others to see and recognize them." A few weeks later, Ryan passed away peacefully. We all missed him dearly. We promised Ryan to continue with the hand prints until it is completed.

The orange one: Oscar moved into Grace House. He has cancer, doesn't have much time to live. We asked Oscar to have his hand print in orange. Oscar said, "Yes." We painted his hands and helped him press his hands on the hand print picture. He's very ill and the cancer is eating him so bad he can barely walk. He says there are thirteen steps on the stairs. It makes him feel like it is a whole mile long to reach the top of the stairs. He's not doing it well. We took the elevator up and walked with him to his suite. He lay down on the bed moaning that there is a great pain that is killing him. We called up his sisters and brothers to come and visit him. But his mother came instead. She knew he was dying with pain and knew he was ready to go. She stayed with him the whole time. The last hour, his mother sang his favorite song of all time. We stayed with him, seeing him smile with teardrops as his mother finished that song. He reached out for her hand and said, "Thank you mother for singing it, it was lovely and I loved you with all of my heart." Then he died with his hand in his mother's hand. He passed away peacefully listening to his mother's voice for the last time.

The yellow one: Yvonne moved to Grace House very pregnant and was expecting her first and last child. She has full blown AIDS. We asked for her hands to be in the hand print picture and she said, "Yes." We stayed with her for a long time. One night she cried out and said, "My baby is coming -- help me make it through the night." We were there comforting her and she's crying out loud and said, "I'm going to have a baby girl and her name is going to be Becky(the blue one)." We listened to her and did what she wished for. We helped her deliver her child. After her daughter was born, we see Yvonne's face, all sweat up and she's a proud mother. She cut the cord and said, "Becky, my love, I love you." She held Becky so closely. Then she died there. We took Becky in our care. We painted Becky's hands blue and set them beside her mother's hands. A few days later, Becky died suddenly. We had to bury her next to her mother.

The green one: Gary came to Grace House to visit his partner Billy who lived in Grace House. Gary said, "Billy, I'm very sick and cannot continue to live." Billy said, "Gary, don't leave me here alone." Gary felt sad but he knew he had to leave sometime. On the very last day of Gary's life, Billy asked Gary to have his hand painted. Gary said, "Sure, my love. I don't see why not." Billy painted Gary's hand and pressed it on the hand print picture. Billy and Gary had a nice long conversations before Gary was gone. We heard Billy's cries. He cried out and said, "Gary's gone and he died in my arms. Oh, Gary, why did you have to leave me here alone?" Where should I go after you're gone, my love?" Long after Gary's passing, Billy moved to another home. Weeks went by. Billy passed away and was buried by Gary.

The purple one: Pearl's granddaughter moved Pearl into Grace House for Pearl needed a home with lots of care. She knew Pearl couldn't be left alone out of her sight. Pearl's granddaughter's name is Mary Jane. Mary Jane asked Grandma to have her hands painted. Pearl said, "Yes, why don't I do that?" Mary Jane said, "Here's the purple one. Let's paint your hand" and pressed it on the hand painted print picture. Pearl has been sick for a long time. She's infected with HIV positive. How? Blood transfusions. We took care of Pearl every day. One day Mary Jane and Pearl were in our garden planting roses. We helped with supplies and we dug up the ground and Mary Jane and Pearl put the roses in. We covered them up and they watered their roses. Three years have gone by. Mary Jane came for a visit. Pearl was very ill and could not move, even an inch or two. Mary Jane stayed with Pearl and we invited Mary Jane for dinner to be with Pearl. Pearl and Mary Jane had a good conversation over dinner. Pearl said, "Mary Jane, I see the light coming from heaven and my guardian angel is here for me." Mary Jane accepted letting her dearest grandmother go, but her heart breaks because they're so close to each other. Pearl says, "Baby, I'll look out for you, but please take good care of yourself, honey!" Mary Jane said, "Yes, Grandma. I'll take care of myself." She watched her grandmother pass away and she burst into tears and said, "I loved you Grandma and I'm going to miss you terribly."

So, as you read on about each color with their names, know we hold them all in our memories and we all gathered to share our memories of all of them. The hand print picture stays on the wall forever and it brings us smiles and remembering them every day. Red - Ryan - HIV positive. Orange - Oscar - cancer. Yellow - Yvonne - pregnant with full blown AIDS. Blue - Becky - Yvonne's daughter. Green - Gary - Billy's partner. Purple - Pearl - Grandmother, blood transfusion. These people are the main ones in our hand print picture. Their hand prints are eternal. Clifford

Ronnie Angelus says: "There are three things that make my life work: Talking to my daughter who opens vistas to me and makes me laugh; being in the circle of the Divas, my writing group, who shout "go girl" and give me standing ovations with their smiles and tears; sitting next to Mary and Claude Paradis during Sunday Mass at St. Joan of Arc, which is as close to pure goodness as I will know in this lifetime."