On Saturday morning May 7th, 2005 a group of about 20 met to hear the SJA Adoption Ministry’s second workshop on adoptees and their identities. A panel of adoptees representing a variety of cultures told their stories. In an informal style, the moderator, Julie from Children’s Home, directed questions to the panel, allowing the audience to ask questions as the panel gave their answers. The panel consisted of Carmella and Willeona, two older teenagers, adopted as young teenagers, and Michelle, an African American adopted by a Swedish American family, David adopted at 3 ½ from Soul, Korea, and Carrie, Caucasian, adopted at 3 months into a white family.

“In your family were you able to discuss your adoption and birthparents?”
Carmella said her family did not talk about it.
Willeona stated that sometimes they talked about it.
Carrie said the word “adoption” was always a part of her life.
David received very little verbal information. His parents kept a birth folder and let him know where it was located. He was free to look into it at any time. David’s sister looked at hers at a much younger age than he chose to do. There individual choices varied greatly.
Michelle’s mom talked about it all the time and had a Life Storybook for her. Her family was already experienced parents. Every birthday her Mom would talk about her birth mom, and at age thirteen she told her she would help her search for her birth mom when and if she wanted to do this. Her Mom also asked her questions of how she thought she could help her stay connected to her culture.

From these answers came two good ideas: to have a folder or life book or story available to share with your child and to celebrate, “Today is Birthmother’s Day”, such as the day before Mother’s Day.

We need to remember that for an adoption to happen, it means there was a tragedy. There is loss on both sides. These discussions need to happen more often. Whatever the reason for an adoption to occur, it was a moment in time, and it was the best decision for the birth mother at that time.

Michelle and David
“Racial identity, what was helpful?”
David told of going to cultural camp. At the time, he was not happy about it, but now is happy that he did go. His parents would volunteer and come along.
Michelle stated that, for her, racial issues started in kindergarten. Her parents searched out African American resources and relationships at their church, in the community and neighborhood. This had a huge impact on her. Michelle reminds us we, too, need to do this, “Once a year is fabulous, daily is better”. Remember your child steps out of the house everyday without you; they have to have something outside of the house that supports them.

“Intraracism (discrimination) how it did affect you?”
Michelle said her parents were completely unprepared for the first day of kindergarten issues. After this issue, they did learn to anticipate times and prepare for them. Giving answers are always better sooner than later. Kids can feel even more displaced as they move into adulthood. They can feel displaced from both cultures. In addition, even if children look like you, you need to know the issues are still there. Children need preparation for derogatory remarks, as they can happen at any time. Black families always prepare their children for these experiences. Common remarks and adoption sensitive words are; your Mom did not love you, your Mom gave you away, bastard, not your real parents.

“Was there a time you felt angry about adoption?”
Carmella said she felt “weird” and talked mostly with her brother.
Willeona felt anger when the social worker brought in a book and stated, “This is your new family” She needed more time, to feel she had a choice.
Carrie stated that high school years were the worst. Even though she looks like her adopted Mom, she felt she did not know where she came from. Being open and honest with her parents did help.

“What is an appropriate age to start looking for birth parents?”
Michelle answered immediately with “Yesterday!” She is angry everyday about the need for adoption. Birthparents often contact you because they are ill or there is something big going on in their lives. Children have to be 18 to look for their parents, adoptive parents do not. She is angry every time she goes to the doctor, with no medical history, still angry at the politics of privilege and privacy.
David never felt angry, or had any desire to search. His sister, on the other hand, has gone back to Korea to look for her birthparents. He knows his family would support him if he chose to do this also.

These are words of wisdom given from the panel.
Carrie said to be honest about a child’s adoption. Do not tell your children that you understand what they are going through. Be there, love, and be honest.
David wished he had more connection to his culture. Going to camp for one week a year for a few years does not really have an impact. Bringing a child to their country of origin will lead to other issues, as the adoptee does not fit in. He wishes he had been in a mentor program. He felt alone due to adoption, but when you do not look like anyone else, you feel very alone.
Michelle says a culture feels good if parents are also participating in it with you. Embrace cultural identity, but keep “you are my child” as a strong message. The commitment and journey does not end at the age of 18.

Authors notes:
Being out of town, I was unable to attend this workshop, so asked one of the attendees to take notes and photos for me. From her notes I have compiled this article. Please pardon me if I have interpreted any of her notes incorrectly. I asked others from my Adoption Ministry to tell me what had stuck in their head from this amazing workshop. All agreed that is was a wonderful, beneficial, and awesome experience.

At a point, a child realizes they are different. You need to talk with your kids about race/differences as early as possible as they are aware of differences as early as age three. Some desire to know who they are and where they came from earlier than others did. This is why telling their birth stories from the start, and continuing throughout their lives with the information they can handle for their age is a necessity.

Adult adoptees expressed that as children they did not want to feel or be different, as adults they now appreciate the things their families did for them surrounding adoption, race, and culture.

Search out experiences, resources, relationships that promote for your children and family a multicultural world experience and awareness. Once a year is fabulous, daily is better.

Be aware of the need to prepare your child for the experiences they might have on their journey.
Nancy Lynch says, "Joy is being a wife, Mom of fourteen, eight with varying disabilities and living at home, Grandma of thirteen, and Great Grandma of three. Serenity is listening and watching the ocean, alone, at our home on Maui. Passion is friends, photography, reading, swimming and children." Nancy can be reached at nalynch@aol.com.

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