PrimeTimers sponsor: Transitions: Aging Parents and Their Adult Children Sunday, April 7th, 2002

On Sunday, April 7 the Prime Timers, SJA members 55 & over, sponsored a program, “Transitions: Aging Parents and Their Adult Children”. It was open to anyone concerned about the life changes people must often make in the later years of their lives. Mary Brown, owner of Senior Living Transitions, shared valuable information gained during her years as a real estate agent, hospice volunteer, and as an adult child who has helped her own mother through two living transitions.

Mary began by reminding participants that the elders in today’s world came out of a different culture. They were taught to respect their elders and always trust authority. Their sense of propriety included never being late and speaking only when spoken to. Family issues were not to be shared with everyone; family secrets were the norm. When working with these people we must remember these things in order to effectively help them.

Many of the changes that happen to our parents occur slowly. These alterations begin to affect their self-care, social life, physical and emotional being, but these changes may not be quickly or easily observed, particularly for family members who live out of town. Mary suggested that we listen for changes in the voice during phone calls. Another participant noted that while her mother could act very normal and up-beat for a day or two when someone visited, she could not manage to do it for four or five days in a row. So family members really wanting to evaluate the status of an elderly parent might want to plan a visit longer than a day or two. Another clue is the deterioration of housekeeping or home maintenance. But Mary reminded us that even with some of these things going on, we can learn a lot from our elders. They have learned to cope with life-style changes such as impaired mobility, hearing, or vision with courage and dignity. They deserve our respect.

DANGER SIGNALS THAT SAY... WARNING CAREGIVER NEEDS HELP!! When is it ok to cry "uncle"? To say, I can't give any more unless I get some help? Many caregivers would rather trudge on under unbearable conditions than admit to failure". What happens , though, is their own health suffers more and more, and eventually they themselves need card. Others simpley don't realizese they're taking on so much until it is too late. If you notice any of the following danger signals, you are probably approaching overload and should seek assistance from a local support group or self-help agency. Your relative's condition is worsening despite your best efforts. No matter what you do it isn't enough. You feel you are the only person in the world enduring this. You no longer have any time or place to be alone for even brief respites. Things you used to do occasionally to help out are now a part of your daily routine. Family relationships are breaking down because of the caregiving pressure. Your caregiving duties are interfering with your work and social life to an unacceptable degree. You're going on in a no-win situation just to avoid admitting failure. You realize you're all alone and doing it all because you've shut out evewryone who's offered help. You refuse to think of yourself because "that would be selfish"(even though you are unselfish 99% of the time). Your coping methods have become destructive: you're overeating/undereating, abusing drugs/alcohol, or taking it out on your relative.

Helping elderly parents make the decision to transition to new living arrangements is traumatic for everyone. It is best to discuss it in a relaxed way. Share your own fears about their present situation. When possible go in advance and visit many places to become familiar with the options. Expect some resentment, fear, and denial. Let them know that even if they choose not to make the transition you understand, that you won’t stop visiting them, that you won’t abandon them. Really listen to what your parents have to say. Listening is difficult but it is imperative to cultivate the ability to be silent. Show interest and let your parent set the pace. Be understanding. Express sympathy, not pity. Affirm what they say. Plant the seeds, then if possible, let it rest.

If you help your parents’ transition into senior housing, assisted living, or a nursing home, expect that it may be difficult for them - even to the point of post-traumatic stress syndrome. There will feel sadness, loss, fear and loneliness. To many it feels like the last step before death. Some of the participants in the group discussed the idea of calling the move a “trial” period, letting parents feel that if it doesn’t work they can move back to their home, if such can be arranged. In almost every case the adjustment is a good one so that there is no desire to return. Normally people making the changes to these new facilities live longer due to better care, nutrition, and increased sociability. And Mary reminded everyone that Minnesota has a Nursing Home Residents’ Bill of Rights. Anyone with a loved one living in a nursing home should be familiar with these legal rights.

Mary was open to questions and comments throughout her presentation and the discussion brought to light a few other interesting ideas:

• Many caregivers see to all the needs of their elderly parents, even though it takes a serious toll on their own health. If we do too much for them, our parents will never make the decision to transition. There are many social services available to help. Caregivers must protect their own time and families by using them.
• People cannot be forced into moving into a facility. Again, the best solution may be to step aside and let social services provide some of the help. If the elders do not like it, they may reconsider.
• Mary suggests a “Take Your Parents to Work Day”. She believes it is imperative that elderly parents understand that their adult children have their own lives, that they have responsibilities at work and in their own homes.

Sue Obrien is the wife of Tom, mother of four children, and grandmother of six. She is dental hygienist and manages a dental practice in Spring Lake Park. A parishioner for many years, Sue worked as a caregiver at Grace House for seven years, beginning the week it opened. Now she is looking forward to meeting new people at St. Joan of Arc as she helps out as a web reporter and photographer.

When Mary closed the meeting, thanking everyone for attending, there was no rush for the door. Participants had found common ground and were busy sharing experiences, problems and solutions. It was a particularly apt topic for the Prime Timers, helping us with the immediate problems of aging parents - and preparing us for the years when these transitions may be our own.

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR COMPUTER LITERACY HELPJust prior to Mary Brown’s presentation Tom Cunningham spoke to those present to ask for volunteers for a program he runs through the Salvation Army. Tom is in charge of a recovery program where he is using Ernie Larson’s “Life Management” series. Ernie suggested he may find help at St. Joan of Arc. A major goal of Tom’s project is to get people back to work, but literacy programs are an urgent need. He would greatly appreciate help from those willing to teach the most basic computer skills just one night a week. Tom made it clear that there is no need to be a computer “whiz”. Anyone who might be interested could contact Tom Cunningham at 612-332-5855.