Ways to Encourage Attachment
- Helping the child express and cope with all feelings, no matter how painful or negative they may be. The parent should use “I” statements such as “if that happened to me, I would feel sad, too,” “It’s scary sometimes when you have to…,”You look like you’re mad at me. I wonder if you think I’m being meant about…?
- Helping children learn more about their past and express feelings about their birth family. Give them honest age-appropriate information, and answer all of their questions as honestly as possible. Helping children cope with ambivalent feelings about their birth families. Giving them positive feelings about their birth family (i.e. you have such beautiful eyes; someone in your birth family must have those eyes). Resource: Telling the Truth to Your Adopted Child.
- Expressing affection for the child physically and verbally. Use Nurturing exercises like feeding each other raisins, sharing ice cream, making blanket tents, going swimming, washing their hair, tucking them in to bed. Use flannel sheets, night lights, give the child something of yours to have/hold until you return, always tell them where you are and when you’ll be back.
- Responding to a child who is sick or injured is a good attachment time, because the child is more vulnerable at these times.
- Find time, daily, to do something with the child that he enjoys. Ideas might be reading, puzzles, talking, cooking. (TV is not the greatest together time).
- Re-parenting early developmental states, a.k.a. “regression experiences” i.e. feeding/giving a bottle, rocking, holding and gentle tickling, songs and games for babies and toddlers, washing, combing his hair, quiet bedtime routines, holding his hand at walks, etc. Increased supervision i.e. child sits and plays or rests near the parent while she is busy, limit choices-parent does most of the choosing.
- Humor and self care. Recall that you are not the source of your child’s problems. Acknowledge your own feelings of grief, rage and despair. Maintain your humor and your supportive relationships with other adults. Find support with other parents of poorly attached children. Maintain trust and openness with an assisting professional. Check out situations with other caregivers to avoid splitting. Be patient and maintain realistic day to day goals. Remember that if you become more like your child, you both lose; if your child becomes more like you, you both win. Remember, if your child is able to form an attachment with you, you have participated in a psychological birth.
- The child needs a home whose environment is one of mutual enjoyment, respect, diverse interests and clear, firm expectations for the child’s behavior with clear and consistent consequences. A good formula is limits + empathy. When the child’s behavior is “bad” the parents responds with clear consequences for the behavior, respect for the choice that led to the behavior and empathy for his feelings about the consequences; then the child begins to sense a parents commitment to the whole child and he sees the parent as competent and able to deal calmly and effectively with the behavior. This gives him the awareness that better behavior is his responsibility for a better life.
- Fully claim your child and remember your attachment to the child is fundamentally more important than the child’s attachment to you. That will come in time.
For more excellent strategies on choices and consequences, regression parenting, self-care, initial parenting on move-in day and day-to-day parenting please see chapters 11 & 12 (Principles of Parenting and Day-to-Day Parenting) from Facilitating Developmental Attachment. Daniel Hughes.
Compiled and created by Rachael L. Huyck, MSW 2002 with supporting materials from Facilitating Developmental Attachment by Daniel Hughes and The Leap of Faith by Melanie Tem
